Starlit Sky, Snow and Siberian Sentiments

 Tonight is so incredibly beautifull, cleer and cold. I have not seen the stars shine this brightly in a long time, not since Siberia and the snow has iced over crisply. I actually feel quite touched by the weather right now and honoured by mother nature that she would show me this beautifull sight. It does take me back to thoughts of Siberia and spirituality tonight, my connection to the land is very strong right now and has been of late, I have been having incredible dreams recently to do with wandering the land and purpose.
 It is of course romantic, very romantic, a night i would love to spend with someone special....
 Everything works out in the end, its getting there thats the hard bit but everything works out because deep down we have the capacity for total understanding its just a shame that insecurities get in the way amongst other things but deep down it is there.
 The wilds run in my soul and i am lucky to know my purpose but for just now though, tonight I will enjoy the Stars, the Snow and the Cold as if it were made just for me....and perhaps another thinking the same

Good Night November....

 Rather late in posting this I do realise and also rather tired just now but thought this might be a good idea before I head of down to the Wild Woods of the South to learn the ways of bushcraft instructing....
November was a fairly busy month and I was fortunate enough to experience a brief period of calm after the chaos of November. Unfortunately I could not do a few photoshoots due to illness on both sides but I had plenty of Life Art Modelling work.
 I do love doing life art modelling for the most part and am allways fascinated by the variety of poeple i meet on various workshops or classes, everyone allways gives you so much respect.
 I started doing art classes at Gracefield with a lovely Woman called Linda Lyons. It was my first time modelling for a class so full of young people! 17yr old school girls expanding their portfolios so that they could get into art school, its really nice to think that I may have helped them with that just by posing.
 I also had a 2 day workshop with the Muevos from MMV art whom I used to pose at nightclasses for. It was my first time posing on a comfy mattress yet i managed to pick a pose that very quickly became uncomfortable. Its interesting the varied results that you get from these workshops and allways intriguing how the other artists interpret my human form.
 Here are some examples of the Students peices from the workshop.

After my next session down on my course I will be spending roughly a week in London doing photoshoots, I cant wait and some of these are quite a big deal it would seem so wish me luck!

 With regards to my course.
 The course is going well and continues to prove very interesting with lots and lots to learn. I had my second session towards the end of November and was very glad when the instructor was impressed with my lesson plan and concept that I had created as one of our assignements though my code of conduct needs work.
The session in November consisted of lots of axe work (which allready I have put into good use) and even tree felling. This was also the week in which we got to work on our bows ( proper hunting bows! though obviously I will not be hunting). We have made them completely from scratch, chopped the tree down and everything the whole works. I was devastated after carefully removing bark that my wood was split and I had to start again which has put me behind the rest of the class, I will have to knock the basic shape out at home. Depending upon the result I may post a wee instruction on how to make a bow because it is a fascinating process and I can not wait to have to see the results.

Anyway that will have to do for just now as I have to be up early to catch the train to Liphook tomorrow for my third session which I believe is all about our Basic Expedition Leader Qualification. I am hoping all the expedition work I have done will come in handy now as I am lacking in the craft section.
This post is rather mundane and boring I am aware but I am tired, I shall amend it when i get back.

Yes we camped out in those storms and floods, camp was rather wet!

Dream Grace....

 A sculpting story.
 I have recently had a lot happen in my personal life and i believe there is a lesson involved in all this. To chill out and trust my gut instinct and that everything willl be ok.
 I am prone to having moments of clarity(as i believe we all are) and strong gut instincts but after a little while i start to doubt these despite the fact that often they prove to be true.
 When this comes to others however i am often scared to trust my gut instinct and clarity a few days after i have those moments.
 But so much has happened recently that supersede the normal, so many unsual events that seem to have meant to happen and such strong moments of brutally honest clarity.
 I have also been prone to doing medicine work recently and have found solace in some of it....recently something came up to do with swans and lizards. Swans are associated with grace, and trusting your own clarity and gut instinct and not being afraid to trust it and lizards are all about dreaming, about not ignoring your dreams or the shadows but rather seeing cleerly in them.
 Bare with me there is a point to this.
 I have just completed a 3 day life art workshop and am amazed i have done it as it is 6hours a day stillness and silence...no distracting yourself from thoughts at all. I was sitting there in my own little world when someone said they had brought letters to put words in their sculpture of me. She said "For some reason i want to call it "Dream Grace" which is odd because i never use the word "Grace"" how interesting that she would come out with that during a moment of my introspection not knowing that i had done this medicine work.
 There have been other things that have caught my attention recently about trusting my gut instinct and my own clarity when it comes to others.
 I can not ignore it now, i have to trust the clarity i had in those moments (of course in those moments i do) and sweep aside my own insecurities and self doubt. I know what i feel and i know what i have seen, it might scare me but i know....i think it is time to start believing in things i have no control over.
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Time to be getting on with things.....

 Which is why i am sitting here, writing this and thus procrastinating.
 My last two posts have been full of clarity and truthfull deep thoughts which is why i believe it is time for some childish, joyous, non-harmfull whimsy.
 There are times in life when some things just can not be beaten. Autumn walks where you cant help but feel in tune with the earth and can not resist kicking up the piles of fallen leaves that lie in your path. It is amazing how healing nature and those innocent childish moments are. Remember the feel of the wind against your face and the cold and the silence where there is nobody else but yourself. How special those moments are and how wonderfull that we can recreate them.
 Even just hearing the crunching sound of the leaves beneath my feet as i walk the dog in a dark mood sends a little bit of joy through me.
 The autumn is bringing promises with it, berry picking, colder nights, cosier homes and a wilder land. I love it because as people move inside to get out of the cold and the dark nights i move out into mother nature and the truly wild land where there are few others but myself and kindred spirits wandering through the mysterious days of autumn and winter.
 Autumn reminds us to not take mother nature for granted and it reminds me allways of how lucky i am.
 And how lucky i am to be going on a course that helps inspire respect for the land, that helps people understand her again through closeness. It will not be an easy course but it is an important course and i plan on learning as much as i possibly can and i will try to leave knowing i have done the best i can do.
 Even when there is nothing else there is allways the land.
 As long as we help look after her there will allways be leaves to kick.

A Decleration of Love

At first I was tempted to pretend that i found this poem annonymously but i am honest and can not lie. A friend of mine inspired me to write a poem. This was the outcome. It could stay something secret for years but i believe it carries an important message and that message should be passed on. Even if just one individual draws strength in some form from this poem then it is worth it.

I thank my friend for inspiring me to write something as honest and strong as this....

 SELFISH, SICKENING PSYCHOSIS

 So what do you think you are

 master?

 Hurting me hard, fucking me

 faster.

 Am I fresh flesh for your sickening
 hunger?

 You pitifull, pathetic pain-

 monger!

 Your psychotic exstacy revealing your

 insanity,

 Your entire being a personification of

 profanity.

 You withdraw your weapon of

 choice,

 Deaf to my silently screaming

 voice.

 Is this what you want,

 is this what you wish?

 To drive my body to deeper hells

 of pain and anguish?

 Well I shall not give in!

 there is no way I will let you win!

 I pity you, you hatefull abuser,

 you fucking user, pathetic loser!

 Have you suffered an attack to your

 pride?

 Is this why you try to destroy me from

 the inside?

 A paradoxical captive dominatrix,

 addict to selfish sex, looking for a fix.

 Lustfull, lancing libido,

 you fucking peado!

 Slave to your pride,

 there is no way i will run and hide.

 Just you try and break me,

 beat me, hate me.

 It will only make me numb,

 to the pain you inflict within me!

 SPEAR ME! MAKE ME LIFELESS!

 you are worthless!

 SCAR ME! MAKE SENSES DIE!

 but I shall not cry!

 RAPE ME! LET IT BE DONE!

 in destroying me, however, you have NOT won!

Kathryn Milligan
May 2009 

The Power of "Goodbye", The Strength of "I'm Here for You"

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Its incredible the moments in which we hold a mirror up to ourselves and see what is truly there.
 The day when we can look upon ourselves and see the darkest parts of our soul and face up to that is a day towards healing.
 The day when we can turn around and face up to the hardest thing we have ever known and against all odds act selflessly and caringly no matter what fears you have, no matter what you want for yourself and no matter what you miss. That is the day when we realise how much we ourselves have healed.
 That is when we discover truth and strength.
 Few if anybody on this planet, no matter what hurt they have spread, do not deserve the opportunity to heal and have help. At the end of the day however the first step comes from within and nobody can take that away from you. It is in that tenous moment that self discovery can be made, that change is wrought and it all comes down to the idividual.
 We can run from anything in the world except ourselves no matter how hard we try to drown it out, truth will be waiting for us in the silence.
 Our greatest enemies are within us, if we can face up to them we can do anything and truly help heal the world.

I wish to share a secret with you that i learnt only a few nights ago.....

A True Fighter fights out of Love,
Not Fear.
 Self-sacrifice,
 Not Self-Harm or Self-Hatred.


 I hope that you all find your true path and the path to truth....whatever that may be for you.

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First Signs of Madness

 Well thats what they say about talking to ones self isn't it? That is what it feels like I am doing in this virginal entry. I sort of like it this way, like this is my little secret to share with those wanderers that pass through my realm from time to time. Let them discover this diary and judge for themselves what they think of me and my adventures.
 To be honest however I have started this with the hope that there will be many more adventures to record and share as I certainly have had an adventurous past. Unfortunately, however, in the last two years i have had to curtail the explorative conservation expeditions i live for...but i have found other ways to explore and fight until my health sorts itself out.
 I intend for this diary to cover my modelling and photography as it picks up (just such a shame i didnt do this from the start) and more importantly my bushcraft studies as recently i was very fortunate to get accepted on to a course to become a bushcraft instructor (and it is a properly recognized diploma) with an expedition leader certificate on the side. Of course i will try and make sure to post the usual mix of creativity, dreams, poems, passions and general mumbellings of a madwoman as well.....I cant shake the feeling that the rambellings will take over.
 A little bit about my previous exploits....
 I have been heavily involved in conservation and animal rights since i was a little girl (where i got it from however i have no idea) I adore the land and nature is my BIGGEST passion in life....beyond belief how passionate i am about it really.
 At 17 I got accepted on to my first expedition which was to take place in the remote Altai Mountains of the Siberian wilderness where i would be studying and collection data on the rare and critically endangered Snow Leopard in very remote and harsh terrain.
 Due to our efforts and evidence collected, recently, the Siberian government made the decision to dedicate the area as a nature reserve (a gas pipeline will have to be diverted from China now amongst other things) which is a HUGE accomplishment for our team as these things rarely happen. I am so proud to have been a part of that wonderfull team in the Altai. I left part of my soul in the rythm of that wild land.
 At 18 I went on to spend some time on expedition in the Amazon Jungle in Ecuador to conduct biodiversity studies and help that area attain a similar status. We were very fortunate to find a completely new species of Glass Frog.
 And finally at 19 I went to New Mexico to spend time working at Wild Spirit Wolf Sanctuary. More of a need to get away than anything else and an entirely different experience to the expeditions. I was honouring the wolves and have developed a huge bond to that place, its animals and a great deal of respect for the team particularly the director Leyton Cougar. I take my metaphorical hat of to that man.
 Since I returned I have been wandering the wilderness and scraping out a living one way or another, I got involved in photography last year and ,of all things, artistic modelling. It gives me something to sink my teeth into creativly and is a good way to meet people. I definately approach modelling from the art side of things and try to bring depth to my images or at least intrigue....I am not in to "pretty-faced vacant modelling" apart from anything else I would not be any good at it!
 Anyway I feel that is enough for my first entry.
 Here are a few photos from previous travels and adventures: